The Orlando Magic are doing what a lot of teams and players do over the summer: they hold basketball camps for kids. I used to go the Providence College basketball camps as a kid, and I’m sure a lot of you have gone to something similar with a college or pro team or athlete in your area. It’s great fun, and a great learning experience.
And Magic campers get an added bonus: “Authentic Team Drills” coached by Stan Van Gundy himself. Now, these are supposed to be a surprise for the campers but I did some digging and found the exclusive schedule of SVG’s drills.
9:00 – 10:00: Continental Breakfast
You need breakfast to get through a long day. Be sure to load up on the essentials: Donuts, bacon, sausage and whole milk.
10:00-11:00: Displaying Dissatisfaction: hone in your reactions and facial expressions.
Things happen quickly in games. You don’t have much time to express to your team, the refs and the viewing audience at home how your feeling about what just happened. Here, we’ll work on core reactions like disgust, confusion, anger, extreme confusion, smug dissatisfaction, and “Oh my GOD that’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen.“
11:00-12:00: Hot Potato: Chuck the ball at the basket from behind that curvy line thing
Pretend the ball is on fire. Hold it for too long and it will burn you. The best thing to do is hurl it at the rim from as far away as possible. Even if there’s a huge guy in the paint asking for you to pass it to him, don’t risk it. That ball could burn him too. Protect your teammate from getting scalded by not letting him touch the ball. “Fire” away at the rim!
12:00-1:00: Lunch
It’s been two hours since you’ve last eaten. Gotta get your engery up. We’ve got an all you can eat cheeseburger and pizza buffet
1:00-2:00: “T” is for Technical – a guide to getting the referee’s attention in the most meaningful way possible
This is a good time to apply some of the things we learned in the 10 am session. In addition to that, we’ll learn how to throw elbows at peoples’ heads, toss players to the ground, and throw the ball away from the officials. Like we said before, there’s only so much time to get your message across. Don’t let the game situation or possible detriment to your team stop you. If you don’t send the message now, then when?
2:00-2:30: Snack
An array of Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups will be available. Also, there will be chips and regular Coke for those who prefer a savory snack.
2:30: 3:30: The clothes make the man: How to dress for success
Two words, campers: Mock Turtleneck. It’s the most versatile piece in a man’s closet. You want black with a grey blazer? Or white with a dark blazer? Or maybe you feel like dancing “the robot” in a funky black-on-black look. The possibilities are endless. Remember, you can’t play your best unless you look your best.
3:30-4:30: Vocal inflection: convey your message in a way that they’ll never forget
From witty one-liners to the most grating pitch you can muster, the last line of proper communication lies within your vocal quality. Don’t clear your throat! That’ll only make you sound coherent like everyone else. Separate yourself with a phlegmy screech that DEMANDS attention.
4:30-5:30 Dinner/Dismissal
After a long day of learning basketball the Orlando Magic and Stan Van Gundy way, you need a good meal before heading home. A pasta bar with only the heaviest cream sauces will be available for all.
Sounds like a blast, kids. Be sure to savor the moment!
