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If there were a list of the five most absurd sporting events, the NBA Draft Lottery would need to be up there. Players in suits, lately, people that have zero to do with the decision making process as representatives of teams, and no longer is it reserved for halftime of some playoff game. Nope. It gets a preview and a half hour. I love it. It’s the band with terrible music that comes out on stage descending from a cloud, on fire, drinking Canadian Club.
None of this is meant to be serious, so don’t take it that way.
At any rate, a few thoughts by team, and things of that nature.
1. Minnesota Timberwolves: It’ll take whoever told the Blowfish that it was a smart play to separate from Hootie to screw up having the #1 pick, Andrew Wiggins, and Ricky Rubio on the same team.
Way too early pick: Karl Anthony Towns
2. Los Angeles Lakers: Admit it, when it came down to the final two, you had your tin foil hat on, fully expecting the aliens to burst into your house and tell you that your neighbor is a hybrid.
Way too early pick: Jahlil Okafor
3. Philadelphia 76ers: Like how Nerlens Noel was the first to move to shake hands after the Sixers got the 3 to the two team reps ahead of him. Cordiality > Wingspan.
Way too early pick: Justise Winslow
4. New York Knicks: Always comforting for fans to see the rep for the Knicks hang his head when being announced as the fourth pick.
Way too early pick: D’Angelo Russell
5. Orlando Magic: Feels perpetually like a garage band that is one good singer away from getting a record deal, and every time they get him, he goes and joins a boy band.
Way too early pick: Kristaps Porzingis
6. Sacramento Kings: Always seems like they’re in some spot other than #1 and we always say, “those years with White Chocolate, C-Webb, Hedo, and Vlade were pretty cool,” and then move on. At least they have George Karl now.
Way too early pick: Willie Cauley-Stein (I’m not at a point in life where I can call someone “Trill.”)
7. Denver Nuggets: Could be worse, could be better. They could still have George Karl, though.
Way too early pick: Emmanuel Mudiay
8. Detroit Pistons: It feels like the Pistons are pretty much always here and do pretty much nothing with it like clockwork.
Way too early pick: Frank Kaminsky
9. Charlotte Hornets: The NBA dropped the ball here. Lance Stephenson should have been the rep and he should have been required to drink bourbon after every card was pulled.
Way too early pick: Mario Hezonja
10. Miami Heat: I don’t know what Pat Riley offered the league for one of those “we lost Lebron” deals, but clearly Cleveland is better at it.
Way too early pick: Stanley Johnson
11. Indiana Pacers: Still fairly sure Larry Bird could beat all the other team reps at HORSE. I feel like that’s a more legit way to decide who gets the number one pick.
Way too early pick: Jerian Grant
12. Utah Jazz: Inevitable discussion to be had about whether whoever they pick is willing to stay in Utah long term, for whatever reason I do not know.
Way too early pick: Bobby Portis
13. Phoenix Suns: Personally, the Suns should get a top 3 pick every year. They compete in the Western Conference, don’t tank, and never have a shot at the playoffs in spite of trying hard. Seems legit.
Way too early pick: R.J. Hunter
14. Oklahoma City Thunder: Whoever gets selected will need to learn how to dress terribly, and fast. Gotta fit in. Lenses in unnecessary glasses optional.
Way too early pick: Trey Lyles
