The NBA Finals are nearly upon us (finally).
It is truly a glorious time for those who love guys in shorts playing a game that revolves around humans lobbing a ball toward the general direction of a hoop. There’s obviously a bit more to it than that, but who cares about the semantics of it all, really?
These particular NBA Finals should be great, too. The two best teams in the league are participating, with two of the sports’ best players involved, and a plethora of subplots each of us can follow from game to game (my personal favorite is betting on the over-under of J.R. Smith 30-foot-plus fadeaway attempts… the line is set at 34, for what it is worth, and I took the over). All gravy — kind of.
Unless you live alone, you might have a hard time getting your significant other, roommate(s), or whomever, to join you in this pleasurable experience. Honestly, how fun is it to watch something as awesome as the NBA Finals alone? The answer is zero fun.
Seriously. People don’t watch the Super Bowl alone. Heck, it is one of the biggest party days of the year — and it is the day before the start of the workweek; March Madness is best consumed with other co-workers who called off work “sick.” Some consider it a weird form of bonding.
What I am trying to say, in the most roundabout way possible, is that watching an event like the NBA Finals alone would be like having cereal without the milk, or drinking a disgusting beverage without the alcohol content, or going going to Chuck E. Cheese without a child — it’s not only sad, but perverted.
There’s good news for you, though. These NBA Finals have something for everyone, even the most casual of basketball fans as well as those creepy people who don’t enjoy basketball at all.
First, take a deep breath. I know it comes as a shock that there are members of our species who don’t like the game invented by Dr. James Naismith, but there’s honestly little reason to worry. Think about it logically: How many of the people at your yearly Super Bowl party are football fans?
That said, the NFL has usually been an easier sell than the NBA Finals (or basketball in general). Again, chill. I am here to help you to get your dumb friends to realize why this particular bout between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers will stimulate the insides of their craniums and maybe other body parts as well.
Let’s take this journey step by step, okay? Use these as instructions to tell your friends, significant others, or roommate(s), why they should come to your house anywhere between 4-7 times over the next slew of days. First, please note: Don’t do these steps consecutively. Merely weave them into regular conversation.
Trap Them
No, do not kidnap them. I’m not here to endorse such horrific behavior despite this being a worthy cause.
What I mean by “trapping them” is more like making sure you have them in a place where they cannot escape the conversation you are about to have with them. That means not restaurants, bars, movie theaters, or places in the public. It gives them too ample room to move about. Plus, they could simply say, “I’m going to the urination chamber,” and they’re out.
Get them to come to your apartment. Bribe them with beers, food, or the promise of the company of members of the opposite sex. It will work, I promise, because people truly love free things as well as the opportunity to showcase their mating skills to other members of their gender (it is like the Hunger Games, but instead of food it is for libido dominance).
Listen To Them First
I know. YUCK!
Most of us aren’t listening to other people talk, but are merely waiting for our turn to display our abilities of banter, insight, and knowledge bomb-dropping. Nevertheless, you must abide by this step or the rest of your attempts will prove futile.
Ask the person about their day, work, how the kids are doing, if the marriage is going well, etc. Simply keep the conversation about them.
Why do this? Because it helps us skip a step: the not fun and easily avoidable step called”flattery.” By simply listening to them ramble about their lives, it will make them feel like you care. It will basically put the idea in their hearts that you care, and when (or if) you use guilt to make them watch the games with you, they will feel obligated to come over.
Using guilt, mind you, also prevents you from begging. It will make it seem less like they are doing you a favor and more that they are doing it because that is what friends are for — or something like that.
Also, this is far better than telling your friend Walter that his wig is tricking tons of folks. Seriously, Walter, you aren’t fooling a soul.
Steph Curry is Fun
You’re not yet directly asking for them to come watch the NBA Finals with you. Instead, even if they never watched or heard of him before, you can ease into the invite by introducing them to Steph Curry.
However, do not start with clips of him banging threes or dribbling a ball between his legs. Remember: this person is not a basketball fan and will NOT be impressed by the athletic marvels performed by American’s golden child.
What they will be impressed by, though, is Curry riding around on that little unicorn. Show them the video that has been making the rounds. Show them Curry’s YouTube videos he does with his wife, essentially pitching the Curry clan as “the coolest reality family ever.”
You can also use their (probable) hatred of the media to your benefit. Show them a picture of Steph holding his daughter at a press conference with the two being all adorable and whatnot. Then show a picture of Brian Windhorst. After that explain the latter’s objections to it all. Now, well… you’re welcome. Your friend, roommate(s), or significant other has a rooting interest because (your) god knows that people love cute kids and hate the pretentious and excessively self-important media.
LeBron James
You started with Steph, right? Your friend (I’m not going through all the optional examples of who you are inviting over anymore) has a rooting interest already, and we’re only a few steps into our plan. But you can’t stop yet. It is too early in the game to go in for the kill. What it is time for, though, is dropping another bomb on top of the cuteness bomb you dropped in the last step.
Bring up Cleveland. Not the sports franchises and lack of professional championships. Simply mention the city… then lie a lot.
There’s a zero percent chance, unless they are from Ohio, they know a single thing about Cleveland. So now you have two options.
Option A: Make the city as sympathetic a thing as possible. Make up financial downfalls, crime rates, unemployment numbers, chickens literally taking over the city by force, or whatever. More or less, simply make Cleveland a place where your friend will be like, “ah, man… hope stuff gets turned around there.”
– OR –
(note: choose this next option or stop here)…
Option B: Make Cleveland sound like a place that is about to tear down the country. Your friend is a bigot? Well… I think we all get where I am going with this (use your imaginations). Regardless, this should come naturally to most Twitter trolls who don’t read articles, yet feel the need to rush to comment after only reading the headline.
Option A gives your friends a second rooting interest. That’s while Option B gives them a reason to have a hatred interest (mind you, they’re already subconsciously rooting for Steph Curry at this point). People love to hate-watch and hate-root. Hating is often times a more powerful lure to get people to take the bait.
Sure, it is deplorable, but Option B is the superior option here. Think of it from a pro wrestling standpoint. You need good guys and you need bad guys. Make Steph the good guy and the city of Cleveland the bad.
How does LeBron fit into this? Assuming you went with my suggestion and went with Option B, every evil city needs a top-notch evil emperor.
You don’t even have to do anything at this point. Before your meeting. merely Google “LeBron James” and save a few of the most dumb, uneducated, and biased articles which make James sound like the Antichrist, then show your friend after presenting Option B.
Or have a sleepover and force them to watch First Take. Whatever is easier for you, my friend.
BOOM!
Slightly Hint That There Are Real World Repercussions
Want to make someone care about something else? Make it about them. No, really. No one loves anything more than they love themselves. So, naturally, make the NBA Finals about them.
You need to know your friends’ interests. Are they super involved or knowledgeable about global warming, the price of gas, which WWE superstar should be inducted into the Hall of Fame next (the answer, for what it is worth, is Marty Jannetty), or are they a connoisseur of ice cream? Granted, whatever their interests happen to be don’t really matter, but you need to be somewhat educated on the topic.
Let me give you an example of what I’m trying to get at.
Your friend, let’s name her Sheila, volunteers for PETA. That probably means she really likes pets.
You: Sheila, I know NBA players make millions upon millions of dollars, but guess what?
Sheila: What, Mike?
You: If {insert team you’re going to root for} wins, they’re donating their “title bonus money” to this animal shelter in Wilkes-Barre, Pa.
Sheila: /smiles
End Scene
Get Ready To Ask The Question
Excuse yourself to the restroom. You likely spent the last few hours buttering up your friend by mixing in my suggestions during normal conversation. Chances are: you’re tired, you’re sweaty, your knees are weak, and something about spaghetti. So clean up and make your usually hideous face as appealing to the senses as possible.
Ask The Stinking Question
You already set multiple things in motion before you asked the question. You gave her a rooting interest (Steph and — if Option A was chosen — Cleveland/Bron), put the idea of “caring in their heart” (which breeds future guilt), a villain (only if you took Option B — and you better have selected that option), and made it about them (what about the neutered dogs, Robert?), so there’s no need to dance around the task at hand.
I will leave you with my final suggestion. It is a simple, yet (not yet proven or backed up by any data) effective way to ask your friend to join you throughout the series. Ready? Too bad…
You: Jared, I have to ask you a question.
Jared: Yes?
You: Times have been tough for me ever since that ruggedly handsome, hilariously smart, and devilishly charming Joseph Nardone moved out… would you watch the NBA Finals with me?
In Conclusion
So, okay. You can do better things than what I have suggested, but remember: Your friend does not care about Klay Thompson’s PER or how fun you think it is that Matt Dellyvedatokenwhiteguy is getting large minutes. Trust me, just use my instructions.
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END CREDITS
Story by: Joseph Nardone
Directed by: Joseph Nardone
Produced by: Bloguin (technically, its money provides this platform)
We would like to thank the kind people of Earth for letting us use the one laptop in Wilkes-Barre to write this story and get it to you. No animals were hurt during the making of this (already regrettable) instructional manual.
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